State Fair - Southern Hemisphere Style

As most of you dear readers well know, every August the true Minnesotan’s heart turns to thoughts of corn dogs, cheese curds, crop art, “sturdy” people in Van Halen t-shirts two sizes too small, and all sorts of culinary delights on-a-stick. In other words, the State Fair. Unfortunately, Matt missed the Great Minnesota Get Together this year, and Marlys only went once – truly an insufficient amount of “somethin’ cultural” (to quote a former Sweeney’s co-worker).

Imagine our glee when we learned Melbourne hosts its own agricultural show turned citified carnival – The Royal Melbourne Show. Like the Minnesota version, it started out in days of yore (1880s) with events to determine who had the best pie, cow, horse, sow, etc, but as the area gentrified and urbanized the Royal Melbourne Show slowly but surely dedicated itself to rides, carnival games, home improvement booths, and other events that were more to the taste of the city slicker.

We approached the Royal Melbourne Show with a great deal of excitement. Jacob, the brother of our friend Lucy, was working in the farm animal nursery, and he scored us free entry ($27 per person!) as well as a backstage tour of the animal exhibits. Herewith is our comparison of the MN State Fair (MSF) and the Royal Melbourne Show (RMS):

Food
At the RMS we had fairy floss (cotton candy), chorizo sausages, corn on the cob, souvlaki, chips and Matt tried something not even our Aussie friends had seen before – a yabbie burger. Yabbies are crawfish, and for the burger the yabbies were basically mushed into an inch thick paste and spread on a hamburger bun with a piece of lettuce and a lashing of mayo. Everyone tried a bite and the opinion was unanimous: not nearly as bad as you think it would be.
MSF or RMS? Because it’s about 3 times as big, MSF has a lot more options. However, where they go head to head, MSF only wins in the corn-on-the-cob category. The fries, gyros, and fairy floss are better at the RMS.

Choice, choices

Drink
RMS: Marlys bought a milkshake and only after paying learned “milkshake” = “chocolate milk”. A word to the wise – if you want a real shake, order a “thick shake”. Then, while Marlys and Lucy rode the Ferris Wheel, Matt and Luke discovered one of the two beer gardens. It was run by a microbrewery and had a tasty selection of limited edition beer.
MSF or RMS? The MSF has lots of beer gardens and the Lutheran milkshake stand next to the art building. However, the beer the RMS is better. MSF wins on its (real) milkshakes.

Animals
Again the MSF has a lot more options. More barns, more animals. And the RMS did not have anything comparable to Matt’s favorite MSF animal: the gigantic prize pig. But thanks to the backstage tour with Jacob, we got up close and personal with some of the animals. Plus, there were emu chicks and emu eggs.
MSF or RMS? Matt can go without gigantopig one year. We’re giving this one to the RMS animal barn.

Clientele
Each event is a good spot if you are on an anthropological quest for people with mullets, interesting dress sense, profanity laced t-shirts, poor personal hygiene, bad eating habits, short-shorts and halter tops, and a limited dental complement. A tie.

Carnies
RMS accomplished what one would think impossible – they make the carnies at the MSF look positively WASPy. The two guys running the “No Limit” ride didn’t have a half set of teeth between them, and one look at them told you they hit their stash of weed during their break. All this makes one a bit queasy when there was also a sign by the ride saying “Safety is YOUR Responsibility”. RMS wins on style, MSF on safety.

Attractions
The rides and carnival games were the same, although there were fewer of them at the RMS and they were more expensive. The RMS has a thing called “show bags”, where you typically paid $10-30 for a bag full of goodies from a particular exhibitor. For instance, there was a Cadbury showbag, Pirates of the Caribbean showbag, Dora the Explorer showbag, Barbie showbag, etc. We didn’t buy any, although Matt was tempted by the Hasselhoff showbag ($20 worth of Hoff merchandise!). Some showbags get very expensive and include holidays including airfare, 5-star accommodations, etc. This year the ‘ultimate’ showbag ran a cool A$10,000 and included a large fridge with beer tap, a year’s worth of beer, a freezer filled with beef and a number of other beer or beef related accoutrement.

Beyond the showbags, there was a sad lack of the hucksters pushing ginsu knives, vibrating chairs, superdusters, closet saunas, and all the other crapola that gives the MSF its cosmopolitan air. MSF – victor.

Price
As usual, everything in Melbourne is more expensive than comparable items in Minnesota. MSF wins hands down.

Verdict
Overall, while we had a great time, the Minnesota State Fair will retain its title as the Best Fair Anywhere. Now can someone please mail me a porkchop-on-a-stick?

View from the Ferris Wheel